Hello,
Every time I shut my eyes I see mass funeral pyres. If I don’t distract myself with reading, writing and prayer, I crumble. Arundhati Roy’s long read on the dire situation in India put a lot of things in perspective but the gravity of the situation didn’t hit me until I messaged my friends and acquaintances in Delhi. My mind hadn’t fully grasped that this time the virus cut through all kinds of divides. That this wave is not the same as the previous one India weathered. I messaged without thinking, wanting to help without knowing how, faltering in my attempt to find the right words. I gave in to my need to do the ‘right’ thing without knowing what the right thing was. I was put in my place swiftly and kindly. And I’m glad to say I had the good grace to apologise and abort. Sometimes good intentions are not enough. I’ve added links to the bottom of this letter for ways you can help.
I should have known better as just yesterday I finished reading On Connection by Kae Tempest, a book that has truly changed the way I now think about empathy, connection and craft. Somewhere in the pages I’ve scribbled the following note: I feel like I’m meeting myself after a long time away. Tempest made a strong case for self-knowledge and helped untangle the chaos of creating, living consciously and being aware of our various selves. I’ve shared a couple of excerpts on my Instagram but here I want to leave you with the following paragraph. That last line really resonated with me.
There is no success in writing. There are only better degrees of failure. To write is to fail. An idea is the perfect thing . . . By the time it has revealed itself to be finished, when the deadline can’t be put off any longer, the exhausted writer has learned another lesson about their own restrictions that they promise themselves they will overcome next time. But next time comes, and they are faced with new restrictions, new limitations, new impossibilities. ‘Finishing’ work, is what gives the artist the humility necessary to begin again.
Among the many themes discussed in this book, the idea of being present, in a meditative state, and giving yourself fully to an interaction/audience is elaborated throughout. It made me realise that I too am most present when I’m in front of an audience. I’m at peace with myself when I’m on stage because in that space my only intention is to connect. It got me thinking about how deeply my life would change if I can recreate this state with every interaction so that I’m present for it all, not just on stage or on my prayer mat. What a thought! On the humility that comes with writing, I found this piece in the Irish Times by Kevin Power on his years between the success of his first book and writing his second book revealing and relatable.
On writing, I want to note how much I learn about craft from Lauren Oyler’s literary criticism (answer: a lot). The following from her review of Deborah Levy’s Cost of Living sent me back to the book to learn how to create connections using motifs, something I hadn’t noticed in my first reading.
She’s taking what she’s got and going with it, as in her writing, which riffs on seemingly random images and ideas, creating connections that make these short books feel holistic and sweeping. She uses motifs, such as roses and footsteps, like landmarks on a map, which are useful signposts in her frequently disorienting story. She takes one chapter title, “X is where I am,” from a postcard her mother sent her from South Africa, and writes, “I lost all sense of geographical direction for a few weeks after my mother’s death…Her body was my first landmearc,” the Old English word she thinks of while her clueless taxi driver is trying to get her where she needs to go. Using his GPS, totally lacking a sense of the city beyond the digital map that tells him what to do, he is “absent to its physical presence, and instead was existentially alone but together with his satnav.” Which is also what her marriage was like.
Her interview on being a critic and a novelist is also an interesting read. I too kept writing my current draft in third person until I realised it needed to be told in first person. It’s the kind of books I enjoy the most, even if the thought of writing one is terrifying. I’m comfortable to sit in the same room as my characters, observing them, making scrupulous notes. But I don’t yet have the courage to get under their skin, to become the puppeteer. Fiction is so much more nerve-wracking that non-fiction!
I’ve been following the news of Phillip Roth’s biographer Blake Bailey’s gross misconduct with his female students and peers. Leaving you with three links on the subject, please note the following trigger warnings — rape, assault, gaslighting, patriarchy, violence. First is NYT breaking the news, second is by an astute reviewer revisiting the book after news breaking and the third is a first person account from one of his students.
I read this brilliant piece in Aeon magazine on rivalry between sisters a while ago but thinking about it again today because it just occurred to me how much my life has improved since I found the courage to admit my jealousies. The article is filled with fascinating research and stories. Sharing a small extract below
Envy and jealousy are complex emotions, and they are part of the human heart. We are all plagued at times with a sense of inferiority, wrote the psychoanalyst Alfred Adler: ‘The greater the feeling of inferiority that has been experienced, the more powerful is the urge for conquest and the more violent the emotional agitation.’ We all are driven by a need to feel superior, regardless of our success or status. It is one thing to feel these emotions, and another to act them out.
On Netflix I really enjoyed the documentary Best Worst Thing That Ever Could Have Happened as recommended by Jessie Burton on Instagram. I’m on the last episode of Lupin and have loved it so far. There is comfort in this series, as written for Dirt substack. On the subject of substacks, I’ve just discovered bookbear express and am looking forward to spending a weekend reading through the archive. As for books, I’m reading Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys. It’s a fully annotated version and taking longer than I thought it would but it’s also a super rewarding book. Recommended by Olivia Sudjic, whose work I admire greatly.
On my reading list from around the internet:
Ruins of a Memory Palace: On Judith Schalansky’s imaginative archives
As promised, I want to end this letter to you with links for ways in which you can help India:
Contribute to Mission Oxygen - Helping Hospitals Save Lives to enter in Artists For India raffle.
The below organisations were curated by The Cut:
Making the Difference is helping provide medical supplies for public hospitals and nursing homes in Mumbai as well as grocery and ration kits to daily wage earners. Details on how to donate here.
Rapid Response India’s premier disaster-response and preparedness service, is seeking donations to provide dry food goods such as rice, dal, salt, and sugar to families across India. Details on how to donate here.
Breathe India, a fundraiser led by Indian Institutes of Technology alumni in conjunction with the SaveLife Foundation, is seeking donations to procure effective distribution of oxygen concentrators to hospitals in Delhi. Lack of supplemental oxygen is currently a massive problem amid the COVID surge in India. Details on how to donate here.
Seva Kitchen, a nonprofit in Nagpur, is seeking donations to provide meal kits for marginalized communities. More details on how to donate here.
Transgender Welfare Equity and Empowerment Trust (TWEET) has been creating and funding shelter homes for trans people in Delhi during the pandemic. Details on how to donate here.
Kailash Satyarthi Children’s Foundation (KSCF), a children’s rights organization based in India, is collecting donations to help children in poverty-stricken communities with access to meals and education. Details on how to donate can be found here.
HelpNow is an initiative led by young students in Mumbai to provide quick, 24/7 medical transportation. It is currently seeking donations to ensure adequate supplies and compensate its drivers. Details on how to donate here.
Give India, a crowdfunding nonprofit platform created to support India throughout the pandemic, is currently running fundraising campaigns for oxygen supply, food shortages, and women’s reproductive health amid the pandemic. Details on how to donate can be found here.
I hope you and your loved ones are safe.
Zeba
Reading this post brings back memories of the COVID wave. I had lost a job then and the information overload on the net was too much to take it. I have read Kae Tempest's book and I admit I agree mostly with everything that you said in this newsletter.
Thank you so much for the extensive reading lists, archiving them so I can get back to them whenever I can.