Headaches, past self, radical empathy and a few book recommendations
Hello,
I’ve been having terrible headaches since lockdown began and they have only gotten worse. This has meant not as much time to read and write as I would like. It has also left me unmoored, my mind struggling to stay afloat without the usual clarity and compassion that books bring me. After months in pain, I finally saw a doctor. He’s put me on some medication and asked me to drink more water, exercise, take regular breaks from my screen and stop using social media. The last instruction was said in jest, but I latched on to it, relief flooding through me. I think I just needed permission to stop with the endless scrolling and I’m feeling so much better about life (it’s been 24 hours, I’m sure I’ll relapse soon).
This morning when I was searching for an appropriate soundtrack on YouTube, something to keep the silence at bay, the website suggested that I watch an episode of A Craft and Business of Books titled ‘Writing own voices, feminist stories, with Zeba Talkhani: Ep 14’. The episode was recorded at the height of lockdown and I remember it being a really pleasant experience to share my thoughts with Tetyana Denford and Marissa Hussey. I clicked on it, if for nothing else then to see a version of myself who wasn’t in such debilitating pain. It was my first time watching myself speak. I was expecting to cringe a lot but all I felt was affection for my past self. I’m only halfway through the episode, but already I am feeling motivated, it’s like having the opposite of an inner critic.
Up until now I read through my headaches but have decided to give myself a break. The last book I read was A Ghost in the Throat by Doireann Ní Ghríofa and I can’t stop thinking about the exquisite writing. I can’t overstate the exquisiteness of it enough. I loved that I kept trying to guess the genre of the book throughout my reading of it, asking myself if bits of it is really memoir. I found some answers when I read the acknowledgements. One sentence in particular stayed with me
To my parents: it cannot be easy to bear the embarrassment of a writer in the family, and yet you understand that I must write my own life, a gift for which I will forever be grateful.
I am also forever grateful to my parents for letting me write My Past is a Foreign Country. Post-publication wasn’t easy for us because of a few relatives. Throughout this difficult time, my parents remained empathetic towards me. They wouldn’t do what I did, but they accept that it’s something I had to do. And to me, that’s the definition of radical empathy.
Radical empathy gets confused for lack of accountability. By trying to be radically empathetic towards people, I’m not excusing their bad behaviour. I’m only trying to understand it. Sometimes this knowledge allows me to improve the situation, other times it helps me disengage without being marred in self-doubt.
My Insta Live last week went well, it was a joy to chat with Sumaiyya about the patriarchy and our shared experiences within the same Indian expat community in Jeddah. If you joined us, thank you! And if you would like to watch the recording of our chat, click here. During our discussion I got an inkling that the comments section was filling up with trolls. It’s difficult to keep up with comments when doing a live event, so I didn’t really get to engage with any of it. My only feeling about the trolls after the event was one of peaceful acceptance, and acknowledging that everyone got what they wanted from the event (Sumaiyya and me: an empathetic conversation and a connection; trolls: a platform to unburden some of the negativity from their own lives).
You might think this is radical empathy gone too far but let me explain. I believe the world is divided into people who create and people who can’t. The former are usually lauded for their work, asked about their craft, honored and praised for their creations. There is power in creating and it eludes people who can’t. And sometimes the only power they experience is making a stranger feel bad on the internet. And what better place to do this than a live event, where the reaction and gratification is instant. This understanding helped me not take the trolls seriously or for them to take away from a great conversation. This kind of trolling would have left me heart broken even just a year ago. The growth has been astonishing and I believe is a side effect of practicing radical empathy.
In lieu of current reads, here are some recent favorites from the books I managed to read:
Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again by Katherine Angel (January 2021) - Not a sentence wasted and not an argument out of place. Sharp writing (as always) that’s left me feeling both informed and empowered.
Leave the World Behind by Rumaan Alam (November 2020) - I can’t stop thinking about this thriller, I was gripped until the end and couldn’t get enough of this dystopian imagining of the world which doesn’t feel too far away from the real deal at the moment.
Strangers by Rebecca Tamás (October 2020) - I want everyone I know to read this essay collection on human and non human.
Patch Work by Claire Wilcox (November 2020) - Such a quietly powerful book on life, loss and clothes. Wilcox is a fashion curator for the V&A.
Just Us by Claudia Rankine (September 2020) - To read a book so completely, unapologetically and sharply focused on whiteness opened my mind in ways I didn’t think possible.
Lost Cat by Mary Gaitskill (November 2020) - I read this in one sitting and had a very strong reaction to the powerful memoir prose.
An incomplete list of books I wish I was reading
Brown Baby by Nikesh Shukla
Sudden Traveller by Sarah Hall
Real Life by Brandon Taylor
Kololo Hill by Neema Shah
Fragile Monsters by Catherine Menon
The Haunting of Alma Fielding by Kate Summerscale
Hijab and Red Lipstick by Yousra Imran.
I’m also looking forward to reading Women Dreaming by Salma. Salma’s life is an extraordinary one and every year I revisit the documentary that recounts her story. You can buy or rent it on YouTube.
Check out these (free, donation optional) writing and literary events by The White Review. I’m looking forward to their work in progress event.
If you like to pre-order books way, way in advance, I recommend Sabba Khan’s The Roles We Play, a ‘debut graphic novel collecting a series of short essays that explore themes of identity, belonging and memory within the East London Pakistani Muslim diaspora’. It’s out in July 2021. If you liked Good Talk by Mira Jacob, you will love this!
I hope you are all keeping well and getting to do all the things you wish to.
Zeba