Election limbo, second lockdown and one book
Hello,
I woke up this morning with a mission. I wanted to know the election results asap so I could process it and move on. I didn’t want to fall into the abyss of 2016. But that was not to be. Instead, we wait. This time four years ago I was tweeting, engaging, feeling angry and getting commissioned to write about the impact of the US election result on my life. This year it’s been quieter, away from Twitter and Instagram, away from a constant drip feeding of news and opinions. It’s slightly isolating, but it’s calmer too. I worked through the day, taking moments away to pray, to look out of windows and to think. I spent lunch time in bed (not recommended) thinking about physical lines and the geometry that surrounds us and later marveling at an hour spent with ideas that were already in my mind.
My headaches are better but not completely gone. The doctor said they were a physical manifestation of my mental health. With the year we have had, I’m not surprised that I finally cracked. I’m not writing at the moment and my reading too is limited to 5 pages every evening. This is a huge change from my previous reading of 2 to 3 books a week. I thought it would be unbearable but it’s actually quite pleasant. I’ve more time to sit with what I’ve read and know exactly how I feel about it all. I think it also helps that the book I’m reading is Homeland Elegies by Ayad Akhtar. I’m not sure how I feel about some of the things in there but it’s well written and is giving me lots to think about.
My recreational screen time is also limited so I’m mostly only enjoying Bake Off on Tuesdays and short YouTube videos of Indian film, music and art interviews from the 90s. This is something I have been doing for years now, a habit I picked up after I left India. I think at first it was a way to have familiar voices on in the background but over the years it’s become an obsessive, anthropological study in human relationships. This morning I chanced upon an old interview with Ravi Shankar, his wife and his daughter Anoushka Shankar. I was surprised by how open and honest the couple were being but was also left slightly disturbed by the potential trauma surrounding their pre-marriage days. The story of Ravi Shankar’s first wife is one that I keep bookmarked on my laptop and visit often. It’s titled Notes from behind a locked door. I want more people to read it.
Yesterday I read an interview with Emily St John Mandel on FT and was reminded of the anxiety and stress I experienced at the beginning of our first lockdown back in March. Station Eleven was my only reference and honestly, it wasn’t the best thing to be obsessing about when the real world came to a crashing halt. I found her reflections on the pandemic + world quite fascinating and would recommend it.
England will go into a second lockdown from tomorrow for a month. I will miss the museums in November, and meeting up with friends on cold, wet evenings, but I’m also grateful for some kind of regulation, even if it feels too late and too little. If you are living alone and looking for comfort, Melissa Cox is starting a new letter just for you. I also want to recommend Women Who, a highly produced and brilliantly edited letter from author Otegha Uwagba. You can read her latest newsletter (on fatigue) here.
I hope you are well and able to focus on all the good things in your life.
Zeba