Hello,
Earlier this month I stayed at Gladstone’s Library and spoke at their annual festival. It was one of the highlights of my writing life to get to stay there and to speak to their open, empathetic audience about writing a memoir as personal as My Past is a Foreign Country. I was touched by their response to it and after the event I met a teacher who asked me for some writing advice for a couple of her students who wanted to share their life story but were struggling to get past their fears and self-censorship. I asked her if I could reply to her via email as I had so much to say on the subject. Below is what I sent her.
I overcame self-censorship with the help of two things:
1. By asking myself the purpose of writing my book. For me it was clear from the beginning that I was writing for myself, specifically for my younger/child self. I felt I had been let down by the community that was meant to protect me and guide me. A lot of shame was placed on me and I wanted to free myself of it. The only way towards this freedom was through honesty and openness, especially honesty with myself. I couldn't think of any other way to free myself from my past. It was scary to be putting my life out there but the thought of not doing right by myself felt worse.
2. By writing everything down first and worrying about it later. Having a full first draft gave me the space to discover the purpose of each scene/narrative. I think unless it's written down we don't know what we are dealing with. I protected myself during this stage of writing by not sharing the draft with anyone. I didn't even call it a draft, I did a lot of free writing in my journals around the incidents that I was most afraid of sharing and this exercise helped me stop being afraid of my memories. Writing my story down gave me the opportunity to look at my life from a new perspective and the things I was most scared of writing were reframed in my mind. There were many things that I wrote down about different people, things that I felt were traumatising and hence integral to understanding my story but the act of writing it all down freed me from this limiting narrative. Eventually through rewrites and edits a lot these ended up being removed from the draft anyway. They no longer served my narrative.
I also realised that writing itself is quite scary and sometimes my mind would hold on to the fear of what certain people might say because I was too scared to confront my own feelings, to face who I was and to move away from the self-narrative I had created over the years. This essay by Nuar Alsadir is helpful in unknotting some of these feelings in writing.
There is so much shame around having experienced abuse, cruelties or humiliations. The norm is to absorb them all, and to keep moving through life as though nothing has happened. We are not alone in experiencing this pain, but the system benefits from us feeling alone in it. When we choose to write about it and give it meaning we are going against the norm. Going against the norm threatens existing systems and there is always some kind of price to pay. This can be approval from family, place within our birth community, relationships that one holds dear and even validation we didn't know we desired. I think I let my fear of all these things hold me back for far too long. But when you think consciously of these fears you will realise that the things you think you might lose were never yours anyway. Community is where you want to be, where you are welcome. Family are people who love you and want the best for you. Validation can only come from people who understand you. Letting go of these fears will make room for the things we do yearn for in life, things like self-respect, dignity, inner peace, authentic relationships and freedom from toxic interpersonal dynamics.
Also, I never shared anything I was not ready to make public or deal with publicly. And I made it clear in my book that this is my narrative, that this is how it felt to me and this is how I coped. This focus on my feelings helped me be in control of what I was writing. Life is so unpredictable and beyond our control, I believe a lot of us turn to writing to make sense of who we are and to regain some control over our stories, to not feel like it wasn’t all in vain. I was open to others in my life having different memories to mine and even certain reasons to deny my experiences because they are not ready to face their truth or confront their own roles within the patriarchy.
After all the care I took to tell my story without upsetting people, a couple of people still took issue with my book. I learned that it doesn't matter what you write or how you write it, people who are not used to you having control of your narrative or using your voice will react negatively. I wrote about my parents and kept stories about others to the point. So it came as a surprise to me that the person who took most offence with my narrative wasn't even part of my narrative.
At first he felt I did him a disservice by not mentioning him as being different (my understanding of this is: better, kinder, not patriarchal) to the extended family mentioned in the book. Then he felt that the patriarchy itself didn't exist in my life and hence I had no right to make public my narrative. Maybe he was so used to seeing me as a quiet person who listens more than she speaks that the idea of me having written a book in itself was an issue and things just escalated from there. By making my authentic self public, I gave a chance to everyone around me to show their true selves too and it created room for better understanding and realigning of relationships.
I'm not going to lie, this period of my life was difficult. I had a mental breakdown and needed professional help. But it gave me a chance to examine the importance of approval, the power of shaming and the fears that dictate our lives. I feel freer than I did before and I think this conflict has led to growth that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. It was also comforting to realise how many writers (fiction and nonfiction) have faced some amount of backlash for choosing to share their story. I hope this never happens to you, but if it does, then please remember that this is normal. And this too shall pass.
Write an honest book that you can defend but know that you don't have to defend it. You will be surprised by how many people will support you, understand you and wish you well. By opening up, you are allowing strangers as well as people in your life a glimpse into who you are and most of them will be grateful for this insight and will be kinder to you, maybe even open up to you about their own experiences. Cherish this, hold on to them, let their presence be a balm against those who get upset or offended by your autonomy. So far in my life nothing has compared to the glorious feeling of being true to myself. I know I would choose this path over and over again.
A book I recommend to aspiring memoir writers is Melissa Febos's Body Work: The Radical Power of Personal Narrative. I'm reading Relating Narrative by Adriana Cavarero at the moment and it's giving me a lot to think about. There are so many different ways to tell your story. I loved Miranda Doyle's A Book of Untruths, a memoir told through lies. There's the option of fiction too, Meena Kandasamy's When I Hit You is a great example of this. It helps to read widely within the genre and see how other writers are doing it. Just make sure to get a legal read pre-publication to protect yourself from litigious family and friends.
And always remember: your story is your story. How you choose to share what you've endured is up to you and no one can take that away from you. I understand that there is privilege at play here, not everyone is safe to speak their truth. But if fear of what people will say is the only thing stopping you, I promise that overcoming this fear will be worth it. I wish you the best in your writing.
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Since my last letter I’ve read some excellent books. Still Born by Guadalupe Nettel was clever. The Right to Sex by Amia Srinivasan was great overall but the chapter on not dating your students was especially so. I finished all about love by bell hooks recently and have found so much peace and calmness in my life through reading it. Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner on losing her mother and finding herself is a truly special book. You can read the New Yorker essay that spawned the book here.
Best,
Zeba
I read your book the year it was released. It resonated so well with me. I was going through the darkest of times then and found my comfort in the words you wrote. I have experienced a dysfunctional relationship with my family as well, and your book helped me with a sense of belonging.
Thank you for sharing your post. Wishing you good health, Best Prisha.